The undisputed master of manic high jinks.  A pioneer of world changing ideas (at least in his mind). A philanthropist par excellence. And that’s before you get to his contributions to modern dance. Mr. Spriggy is a true Renaissance Cake. His natural leadership abilities make him admired by his friends and respected by enemies, while inspiring countless others to be better people (or cupcakes, as the case may be).

RastaCake is an unmistakably cool cupcake. His every pore exudes breezy island charm, which is odd, given he’s from Cleveland. RastaCake is almost completely unflappable. He has a knack for shrugging off life’s woes and embracing the company of friends. Though if you actually embrace him, he’s quick to reach for the hand sanitizer. Don’t take it personally, he just wants to promote clean living.

SmartyCake received a doctorate from M.I.T. in Paleolinguistic Quantum Physics, which sounds impressive, but is even more so when you consider that no such field of study actually exists. Smarty can always be seen tinkering with one invention or another; he recently received a MacArthur Genius Grant for his work on a carbon-powered waffle iron.

If a puppy were dressed as a Teddy Bear and cuddling with a kitten, it might be as adorable as SweetBerry, though that’s still unlikely. Every step SweetBerry takes, butterflies seem to follow. Her snowflake-like purity is such that even hardened criminals have been known to let out an “Awww!” at the mere site of her. SweetBerry is so saccharine, it’s probably best to bring along some insulin when you hang out with her. That is, of course, assuming you don’t cross her: her martial arts skills are not to be trifled with.

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but everyone seems to agree that Velvetina is a true confectionery vision.  Whether winning beauty pageants she hasn’t entered, or having love sonnets spontaneously composed for her by total strangers, Velvetina’s looks have served her well indeed.  Her spending sprees allegedly surpass the gross national product of Sweden, yet she still manages to be disarmingly down to earth.  Just be careful when asking her opinion on the latest pop culture event. You may get a 20 minute diatribe on this year’s Oscar snubs.

With age, comes wisdom. Or at least that’s what PoppyCake will tell you. He’ll tell you a lot of things. What the most practical kind of shoes are. Why the kids don’t appreciate the nice things they have. How the national debt could be eradicated if the government bothered to look through the White House couch cushions for loose change.  Sure, he may fall asleep mid-anecdote, but when PoppyCake speaks, it’s with the experience of a Cake who’s been around the block a few times.

When menacing waves are crashing all around you, GramCake is a lighthouse; a beacon of warmth and resolve in an unforgiving world. So would it really kill you to call her once and awhile? Okay, so the phone call might last 4 or 5 hours longer than you want it to, but that’s only because GramCake’s love will not be reined in by traditional notions of time, space, nor what is appropriate information to share with the cashier at the drug store.

Many are familiar with the concept of black holes — a phenomenon from which no matter can escape. But less is known about the curiosity that is Lil’Cake — a phenomenon from which no food can escape. Lil’Cake will devour a carton of milk, 16 bags of gummy bears, and an entire glazed ham, all before breakfast.  And yet, despite the dent she may put in your wallet, your love for her will grow in proportion to her belly.

To know WoofCake, is to be licked by WoofCake. Though he has never actually licked anyone to death, it is not for lack of trying. The victims of these lick assaults, rather than being annoyed by the ferocity of WoofCake’s bursts of affection, are inevitably caught up in the joy of his tail-wagging frenzy. WoofCake’s enthusiasm makes him the most beloved pooch this side of Snoopy, but his eagerness to chase cars always gets him into trouble.

Felines can be fickle. Purring at you one minute, scratching your face the next. But rare is the cat as consistently endearing as KittyCake. When KittyCake isn’t brushing up against you affectionately, she’s plunging after a bit of string. . .or your $300 smart phone. But even with your electronics on the line, KittyCake’s precocious charm will have you back stroking her ears before you realize what’s happening.

Some say Grogster was born under a bad sign. Others, that the sign wasn’t so bad, but that it was brought down by its proximity to Grogster. When rappers refer to “haters,” they are unquestionably speaking about Grogster. He has yet met a situation he could not make worse by complaining about it. Grogster was recently given a lifetime achievement award by the NBA (National Bullying Association), but didn’t show up to receive it.

What Slugmuffin lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in. . .ehh. . . errrr. . .well he does have some terrific green shoes. Okay, so he’s no titan of intellect. At times his laziness has been so great many have wondered if he was simply in a coma.   But even skeptics will admit Slugmuffin is loyal. Despite the fact his loyalty is wasted on Grogster, Slugmuffin remains weirdly charming. Some even say there is more going on inside his misshapen head than he lets on.